You're The Best Beautiful Tragedy I've Ever Had
by MakeMeCrazier
Summary: 'Even in this hellhole with coldness, and no freaking cozy fire, I can still feel my non-existent heartbeat pound at the sound of your name.' One-Shot. Character Death, Swearing. Angsty.


**Title: **You're The Best Beautiful Tragedy I've Ever Had

**Author: **MakeMeCrazier

**Official Word Count: **1,199

**Fandom: **Glee; Blaine&Kurt

**Ratings/Warnings: **T or rated 'R' movie style; Character Death, No Dialogue, Swearing (f-word)

**Notes: **I'm SO utterly sorry for how depressing this is. But it's been in my head for a week, because I needed a dose of an angsty one-shot for this pairing. There are lots of angsty chapters that appeared in multi-chapters; but I wanted a one-shot- So solution: I made one. First part is Kurt's point of view. There will be another chapter in Blaine's point of view.

* * *

**You're The Best Beautiful Tragedy I've Ever Had**

It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

If anything, it was supposed beautifully tragic, memorable, or even heroic. Not so god damn _common_.

What did the doctor say? Word for word. Did he do that clichéd sentence: "We're sorry. We did everything we could"? Did my dad cry? Or was he stiff in shock, not believing it? What about Carole? Surely she was attached to my dad's arm, crying and blubbering words. And Finn… oh, Finn. He was really just becoming an amazing stepbr—amazing brother. Did he cry too? Was he more pained than when he found out Quinn's baby wasn't his, or that Rachel cheated on him?

And what about you? Were you even there, Blaine? Or were you on a hospital bed too?

I know it's selfish, but… I wish you died too. I'm in this dark black room, and it's scary, and definitely _not_ a heaven because it's _so fucking lonely_. And I want you here with me, wherever I am.

Do you blame yourself? Do you wish you would've swerved the car in the other direction? It's okay, Blaine. You always favored your left side; I know that. To be honest, I kind of wish you didn't swerve the car at all. I wish you let it come face front, so that we'd be equally hurt.

Because I'm fucking scared.

I'm scared you will move on, and be with another guy and be happy without me. I'm scared that you'll have all that we could have had with someone else.

It was our first date – On the way to it, actually. I was—I was SO excited. You asked me out, blushing and nervous and so god damn charming, I should've squealed.

…

Well that's just bullshit. I don't get my first date, or first boyfriend at all, but I was so close to it.

…

I loved – love you.

It's true. Even in this hellhole with coldness, and no freaking cozy fire, I can still feel my non-existent heartbeat pound at the sound of your name, and I can feel yours too from that time you grabbed my wrist to stop me from walking out.

…

You were nervous. _I_ made _you_ nervous.

…

Did you love me? … When you found out, what'd you do?

It's funny. Now I am imagining my own funeral. Did you throw yourself at the grave in shock and disbelief like Rachel said Finn would do for her?

No… You weren't one for theatrics.

I want you to know that you shouldn't blame yourself – Well… –

Just… I love you. Don't let go of that, because really, that's the only thing you have to know.

I want to tell you not to do anything stupid. Like kill yourself because of me or something Rachel-wise theatrical. I want to tell you to let go of me and move on.

But I can't. Because I don't even know if I want that for you.

I want to tell you _so_ many things.

Blaine… I want to be _alive_.

It's just… If I was going to die (which I did anyways), I definitely did _not_ want it at that point in my life. Things were finally settling – They were _good_.

I miss you. I miss your lips, even though I've never kissed them. I miss the feeling of your arms. I miss your crazy neurotic antics in which you would break Styrofoam cups in half every single time you came across them. I miss how you would watch the movie Sound of Music with me, every time you came over my house on the weekend, even though you secretly hated it. Did you do that because you had feelings for me, or because it was polite? Either way… I miss you doing that for me, because it seemed to send a warm chill through my heart. I miss the way I could cry in your arms, and you wouldn't give me comforting words because you knew I didn't want that. Sometimes I think you knew me better than I knew myself. I miss that, too.

How long has it been since I died? A year? A month? A day? An hour? Time is so slow in here, but I can't keep track.

I wonder if I can sing in here… I haven't tried it yet. I'm too busy mourning my own death because that's how selfish I am.

Where did you plan on taking me? Did you just like me? Or did you love me too? Did you plan the second date already?

Were you going to kiss me at my doorstep, cheeks flushed, and mine too, before you said something completely corny and _so_ you, like, "Bloody heaven, I'll see you later." You'd turn around, flushed and embarrassed and cursing yourself. "You know, instead of '_bloody hell_' because I had a great time?" You'd try to explain yourself, and eventually I'd just flash a grin at you, and you'd grin back before shaking your head and saying, "Never mind. Good-bye, Kurt."

That's how it would've gone right? Right?

You didn't even get to say goodbye though. Or did you mentally? Did you go to my hospital bed and hold my hand and cry and tell me you loved me so much? How it was your entire fault? How you wish it never happened?

Because _I_ wish it didn't.

Were the doctors homophobic towards you and me? Because, I swear to my fucking non-existent God, that if they _WERE_, I will personally get the hell out of here and be their worst demons ever.

Just saying.

Did you see my huge evident bruise and blood on my left cheek? I remember that some piece of glass penetrated my face there in the crash…

I'm trying to think back at my karma. Maybe I should have been nicer to Rachel? Maybe you and I should have tried to help Karofsky more… Maybe… I— I'm selfish. I've admitted that before. Maybe if I hadn't been this never would have happened…

And the worst part, maybe it would've happened anyways.

But it did happen, no matter what. I'm pretty sure I'm dead, right?

But back to you.

I love you. I miss you. I don't want you to move on. I want you with me. I want to be alive. I want you. I miss your hair. I miss your (sometimes annoying) rambles about the cruel world. I love the way you blush.

I'll take a quote at this point… It's from 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'… Remember when I sang that? You were near tears, and had this kind of proud smile on your face. You told me not to raise my hands. I should have. I should have done whatever the fuck I wanted to if I had known I was going to die so young.

I think that song was personal for both of us. Though I have no idea how Rachel knew to pick it.

Anyways, have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.

Oh, and Blaine?

The truth is I never left you.


End file.
